Hands Up....Guns Out

art...in its purest form

2008-05-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

Every so often man (or woman) creates something so wonderful that it changes the course of history, society, and universal thought for all time. Something that resonates throughout history as an earmark for the progression of our species and the universe which we inhabit and a stepping stone for the consciousness and enlightenment of those that come after. Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa, Picasso's Guernica, Pollack's Autumn Rhythm, Micheal Jackson's Thriller, whoever that dude was who thought up those weird magic art things they sell at the mall where you kind of cross your eyes and a 3d rocket ship or dinosaur pops out and shit. Well ladies and gentleman, prepare yourself for a milestone of just such a magnitude. An ode to the sorrows of the past, the majesty of the present, and the boundless hope for the future. Ladies and gentleman...I present to you....

Riskay....Let me smell yo dick...

oh yeah...that just happened.

whatever...

2008-05-10T17:29:00.001-07:00

I don't know anymore...

you're welcome

2008-05-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

This...like most things on this blog was from my brother. I laughed a lot. Like more than I should have probably. It was almost like I watched every old person trip and fall down at once. In some amazing panoramic bird's eye orgy of senior pain, futility and shame. And every single one of them made a really hilarious noise as they fell down. And right next to each of them were dogs either pooping or humping furiously. Think about that. That's probably over a million dogs either pooping or humping at one time. Do you realize how fucking funny that is? With the old people all making their old people noises and falling down and shit? That was how this made me laugh. It was like I went into a coma and in the blink of what felt like 3 seconds, I watched every terrible quality home video of someone getting hit in the dick by a wiffle ball bat that America's Funniest Videos has ever aired. Because that's funny. Sorry but it is. Why do you think that show has been on the air so long? Because it's science that's why. Small child, wiffle ball bat, bad camera person, human dick. It's just plain fun. Anyway, that's what this felt like. Now that I've officially amped this up to a degree that it actually can't be funny, you can watch it. You're safe now. Shhhhhh. Daddy's here.

How to play guitar

2008-05-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

British people are funny...British people. Am I right? They're smart. And they talk funny. This is the longest clip I could find. Sorry.

must not sleep

2008-05-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

Fish and Rock...man...I need to get busy...

oh and also, I know I posted this before i'm sure...don't care

cooler than you man...way cooler

heavy metal and burritos

2008-05-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning and it took me nearly a minute for the room to stop spinning (rather violently I might add) and another minute to be able to actually focus on anything. Which makes me think maybe my diet of leftover easter candy, los alamos burritos and sunflower seeds may not be as awesome as previously advertised. The power nightcaps probably aren't hurting either I guess. In my defense I went to walgreens in hopes of finding something that would serve as a healthy meal, gave up mid aisle and bought a bag of teriyaki beef jerky. But notice the word hope in that last sentence. I tried. Anyway, today couldn't be a worse day to be getting all spinny and whatnots because I have an open invitation to go check out the Delicious Design League studios up in Humboldt. I met these dudes in Ohio where they were working on a print collaborative with the Ohio University students. Go bobcats.

Jason and Billy are real nice dudes and you should buy some of their shit right...over...here

Hopefully I can pick up some pointers because the 250 watt work light suspended from picture framing wire set-up is not really delivering these days. I was talking to one of the dudes about how long it takes for me to burn a screen and after telling him 30 minutes he just stifled laughter and told me I might be better off just putting the screen outside and letting the sun do it. Much like my diet there was a "try" somewhere in there. That's about the best I can hope for these days.

Still no camera cable which renders me utterly useless these days.

I'm slowly learning that I talk way too damn much and ruin things as a result. But I imagine anyone reading this blog wouldn't have a hard time believing that.

Here's a picture of a dog in a funny costume.

You know that whole meek will inherit the earth thing? Well some people will have a lot more explaining to do than others.

I've decided that I've neglected this thing for far too long and starting...well probably tomorrow I'm going to give the old college try at updating this thing regularly.

I'm almost 25. Which besides being able to rent cars without an added fee, signals nothing more to me than yet another outside force reminding me how pathetic my lifestyle has become. You know being a bum was much cooler when I was 20. Oh well.

Jesus I really have to stop listening to Townes Van Zandt.

photobombers

2008-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

My brother sent me this this morning. Photobombing apparently is when you go out of your way to ruin people's nice photographs and is officially my new hobby. Given my level of disgusting today and my unshaven meth lab facial hair, I think I might just spend my days down at millennium park giving this a shot. It sure beats having my ego pummeled by yet another day of disappointing craig's list job postings. Anyway check these out.

favorite...

Anyway check out the rest of these gems here.

And a couple of side notes...

I noticed I got a hit from Albuquerque, is that you Wyatt? I still have a key to your house. And I'm probably going to use it pretty soon. You know. Fair warning and shit. True story, last time I crashed with Wyatt I walked in his house to find a large presentation style sheet that calculated the exact amount of steps he'd have to take walking on his hands because of his gravel driveway in order to start roller skating to work. Good people.

Also, someone get me a job man. Anywhere. I don't care anymore.

Oh and yeah...still gay.

Cinco something or other

2008-05-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ladies...I have some sad news. I'm off the market. Yeah that's right, you heard it hear first. I proposed to my roommate and he totally took me up on it. Sorry to say, but I'm gay. I'm gayer than a frat boy during "hazing" and twice as willing to soak my shame and secret longings in alcohol and contact sports. As my grandfather would say, I'm more "queer than a three dollar bill". And yes i'm speaking of the grandfather who upon hearing of my cousin Justin's new earring, patted him on the ass, called him Justine, and generally made a mockery out of his sexuality over a face accessory for weeks on end until he took it out. Because hey, he's military, and god knows if you're not shooting people who don't speak your language then why even have a dick? You might as well just plant a rose garden in your man-gina, buy a mazda miata, get season tickets to the opera and move to San Francisco, am I right gramps? Yeah I thought so. So anyway, I'm gay. For dudes.

Ok so that's off my chest. My well oiled, muscular chest. Shaved. In case you were wondering. I'm looking at you Rob Lowe. So I had a lot of pictures of the Cinco De Mayo parade to put on here but as with moving, long bouts of travel usually spell trouble, especially for things that I actually need. So instead of losing the Medical Examiner newspaper I picked up 4 weeks ago with the hilarious article entitled "A journey into your colon", I lose my camera cord. So I'm sort of screwed on that front for the time being. And no. No I couldn't possibly make more homosexual references if I tried. It's just flowing from me people. Like lines from the musical Annie Get Your Gun. Like it was meant to happen. The point here is that like a metaphor for my life, my camera decided it would die before the real excitement happened at the parade, that of course being the massive gang fight that consumed the street for a good 5 minutes and more or less shut down the parade. Lucky for all of us watching, we only missed the 6th beer float's attempt to sway us to their brand with fake breasted tight shirt ladies uninterestingly dancing to terrible Reggaeton. And just for the sake of being cynical; I can totally understand the Tecate and Corona floats but Heineken? Really? Heineken? Because nothing says Cinco De Mayo like Heineken. After a while I was sort of suprised there wasn't a Sapporo float manned by make up smothered half smile latin women. So yeah. No fun pictures. Whoops. Maybe my camera cord will show up but I don't have a lot of optimism these days for things like that.

Oh and in case you tried to contact me which I doubt, my phone is total deadsville and since Alltel decided Chicago wasn't really worth it I don't have a lot of options for a while.

And for the sake of my roommate's lawyers and current legal disputes, he's not gay, never has been, never will be. It's jokes people. Jokes. Not the me being gay part though. Totally true. You heard me Rob Lowe...you heard me.

Si es possible

2008-05-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

There's not too many things more disconcerting then waking at 6 in the morning from a daydrinking hangover to a large parade float that simultaneously celebrates Mexico's glorious history and culture and Coca Cola's rich refreshing flavor. Well there probably are more disconcerting things but i'm sort of hungover so that works for now. I am currently trying to organize the Hipster Gringos en la Barrio float, one that celebrates the low rent and inevitable gentrification that will force out generations of culture into the chain store choked suburbs and will eventually crush Pilsen under the weight of coffee shops employed by people who are way cooler than you'll ever be and more than just aware of it, kitschy boutiques and a swarm of skinny jean, spuds mckenzie glasses sporting well rehearsed apathy. OLE! Right senor?

Sorry amigo, those starbucks aint gonna build themselves.

a love letter...

2008-05-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

Dear cheap alcohol,

(sorry this was the only version of this video I could find, it's incredibly hard to find one off youtube that hasn't had the embedding turned off.)

Never gonna give, Never gonna give

flat world blues

2008-04-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

So I've come to grips with the fact that I am officially one of the most uninformed people existing lately. Which makes maintaining a daily blog schedule damn near impossible. I mean really, it seems like these days, if Dick Cheney had experimental surgery to replace his cock with a Yugoslavian 30 rd. mag RPK with intergral bipod I'd be lucky to hear about it a month later. My connection to the information around me usually stays at an arms length of open mouth staring at the home shopping network or Rock of Love II. I say this for one reason. I got nothing here. Nothing at all. And the rest of the world isn't helping. The only news story I've heard in the last month was the one about the Polygamy colony in Texas. Which amazes me just in the amount of interest it's accrued. I mean are polygamy colonies that weird? The more I read about it the more it just reminds me of public high school without the amazing access to great drugs. Come on now, pregnant 15 year olds, southern guys with multiple women who look like they dressed in the dark, dude Maury had that shit on lock years ago and he's got a more snappy dress sense then those amish looking jackrabbit jesus freaks. Which reminds me, yesterdays topic on Maury was "I can't be your baby's daddy - I was in a coma." Seriously. I read it, passed out from the awesome, awoke in a mystical forest created completely from the dreams of small children, and made friends with a talking bear. And people say art is dead. And just for the record...that dude was the baby's daddy. And everybody knew it. What I love about those shows more than anything isn't the ridiculous subject matter or the obviously trumped up accounts of trailer park debauchery but more so the people in the audience who actually attend the show. Not the horde of frat guys in pun-laden novelty Target t-shirts and flower print cargo shorts hoping to catch mistress number two's nipple slip mid left jab, or the reserved snickering irony hounds in the "i read authors you've never heard of" librarian glasses relishing every second that the freak show on stage proves all their college professors right about society. No, I'm talking the other people. The people that come to the show out of a real interest in the subject matter and then allow themselves to get swept up in a delirious and righteous anger, cursing, foaming at the mouth and damn near speaking in tongues over the idea that the lazy-eyed 38 year old electrician's assistant who swears that the three kids with the same cleft lip can't possibly be his because that 16 year old with the cheese grater smile aint nothin but a damnded whoreliar. Those people, friends...those people are America. Which brings me back to Dick Cheney's eastern-european fully automatic cock. Did that happen or not? I sort of hope so. So at the end of the day, I don't have any funny videos or good stories so instead I'll just keep dumping random pictures off my camera and if you need something to feed your hunger for worthwhile information, CNN.com has some pretty funny videos.

Enjoy.

you could probably call it a comeback and it wouldn't be that big of a deal...

2008-04-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

So after an extended absence through the best the east coast and south had to offer I am now officially back. Well sort of. Truth be told I'm sort of stuck in Ohio at the moment trying to figure out how in the shit to get the rest of the 6 hour journey underway. But as most of my problem solving goes, I've just gotten really drunk on wild turkey for days on end instead of getting any real solutions hammered out. It happens. Anyway, I assume that I've probably lost any and all readership in my absence and for that I apologize. But it's one of those half apologies, like when you bump into a dude trying to get to the bar and you say "oh sorry" but you're not really sorry and he knows it. He knowsssss man. Here's the point. I have a camera. I used that camera. Pictures happened. I'm not sure how that process really works, I still consider my camera to be a futuristic japanese wizard box that will one day come to life while I sleep and declare itself my new Orwellian overlord. And I will cry. And he'll say "that is why you are weak" all roboty and emotionless and shit. Damn, Robotface, you are as cold as ICE! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this trip as much as I was told that I did. I miss you the South. I miss everything about you.

this is Ohio. It's not always on fire and shit. Just when Jeff is conscious.

HAHA YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL! YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID STUPID KID! YOU TRIED TO WRITE A NICE LETTER AND YOU FAILED BECAUSE OF HOW STUPID YOU ARE! NICE JOB ASSHOLE! NICE JOB NOT SPELLING WORDS RIGHT...they're our future you know.

West Virginia on the other hand. That's where lovers go to score Oxycontin.

And magical timewarp to Augusta Georgia. This is Jamie. He does this all the time. With the record players and the hip hop musics with the techno beats and what nots. I don't get it.

Did I mention I was in Georgia?

This is Jamie's girlfriend Diana. She makes stuff. All sewing and what nots. She made me a cool bracelet. And gave me a free haircut. And she's always looking at stuff slightly off camera. It's sort of annoying.

Sigh. Georgia is better than your state. Sorry.

This is Ryan. His mustache is the thing of legend. His mustache is also the thing of movies with fake plumbers who stumble upon incredibly attractive and openly experimental college girls and offers to 'unclog their pipes'. With appropriate soundtrack.

This is Jamie's band Language Arts. They're a lot like Nickelback. If Nickelback was heterosexual and talented.

This is Kurt. Or Kirk. Or whatever. I like Kurt. So his name is Kurt. Nothing is wrong with his guitar. He just does this to impress women. And confused young men.

This is Grady. And he never stops looking this awesome. And yes. I'm jealous of that.

Blind Willie McTell is from my home town. A long time ago when people had cool nicknames. I always took for granted that this dude was from Thomson and then I actually listened to his music...you're doing yourself a dis-service every second you're not listening to it.

Magic timewarp. This is Ohio again where I currently am. And this is what spring in places that actually get cold does to people.

I forgot what was so funny.

Rad.

Yeah I know.

Oh yeah I almost forgot. This is what happens to your wardrobe when and if you go to the South. It's pretty real down there. Thanks Joyce, best hat/katamine binge accessory ever.

This is my super rad Fuji Del Rey that my pops gave me when I was back home and is one of the big reasons I'm stuck in Ohio, seeing as how road bikes built for abnormally tall people aren't really welcome on extended bus rides. Totally worth it though.

the best thing about this bike is that I didn't put that sticker on there. And thinking of my dad putting that sticker on his bike makes me feel pretty good about the general state of things.

And finally, i'm not much of a cat dewd but I'm a pretty big fan of this one. He's been my Ohio buddy the last couple of days. And he sleeps almost as retarded as I do.

So there. That was my trip. Or at least the parts I remembered to pack a camera for. There is a shit ton more pictures but most of them aren't that good or don't really make any sense. That happens when Jack Daniels shots are a dollar. Anybody in Ohio heading towards Illinois anytime soon? I've had my Bob Evans quota for the next three lifetimes.

you tell your God I'm comin for him...

2008-04-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

Man, side note...I typed in Grizzled Old Man to Google image search but Jesus...I was not prepared for that guy. Wow. I've got some work to do.

Anyway...

I'm on the road, clearing my head of unemployment and sin and heartbreak and utility bills, traveling this funny talking, Bob Evans lovin, religious billboard dotted, wal-mart choked, middle western region of our great God-fearing nation on my way southward. There's something about this corn field, camo hat wasteland that makes Merle Haggard's voice much prettier and Skip James much more coherent. That could be a lot of things though. I miss you guys. I want to be with you guys. I want to be in you guys. In the worst way. In a sexual way mind you. I want to make sex to you guys. I wish you guys were here with me so we could make sex constantly. Is that too forward? I realize that subtlety is often called for in these situations but I just can't contain myself these days. I hope you will excuse my boldness and understand that all I've ever wanted...all I've ever dreamed...and all I've ever needed. Is to make sex on you guys. Especially Roy. I really want to make sex on, around, and betwixt Roy. He's famous. Anyway, I swear I'll return, with lots of pictures, a new found hatred for new states in our union and more crass jokes than you ever believed possible. Oh and on the off chance that someone in North Georgia is reading this, I might need someone to pick me up from Gainesville soon. The one in Georgia. Wait. There's a Gainesville in Florida right? I think that's right. Maybe I'm thinking of something else. I get confused. Point being, yeah, I might need someone to pick me up at 7 in the morning. Are you a bad enough dude? Bring liquor you fucker.

Smooch your mouth to all of you.

so yeah

2008-03-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

I don't have a job anymore...and nothing is going on. Today I went to the bank. It was alright. Soooooo.....what's goin on with you guys? Nothing? Working? Oh. Ahem...right...

Actually I've been working on some cover/logo designs for some people and since I have nothing else going on, I figured I'd throw some up here...

Man I'm bored...

Shomer Shabbas

2008-03-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

I don't normally do this, the saturday thing...on account of you know...Shomer Shabbas...I don't answer the phone, I don't watch TV, and I sure...as....SHIT...DON'T....BLOG

Heyoooooo! Big Lebowski reference...right? RIGHT?! Wait...Kids still like that movie right? Or are the Coen brothers total scagsville now? Because if that's the case then that image was for ironic purposes. Because I think they're lame too. Converse Hi-Tops.

Anyway...this was just too good...here's my horoscope for today from Yahoo...

Daily Overview for March 22, 2008
Provided by Astrology.com	Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
If someone from a different culture tests your patience today, do not get upset.

Let me ask you a question Yahoo horoscope...were you sent here to blow my mind? I have apparently become so racist that even Yahoo is trying to subtly calm me down. Look for the last time, I'm not racist. I don't hate white people. I know a couple, and they only kind of smell like wet dogs and to be honest the tag body spray covers it up pretty nicely. And they like that stuff.

Whatever. I have what I'm guessing is a mild case of insomnia these days and what little sleep I get is being interrupted by my body's desperate need to be awake at 5 in the morning...every morning...for a week solid now...no matter what time I got to bed. So anyway, my jokes, hygiene, general demeanor, and snappy sense of style are all suffering equally. The point is...bring it on 'other cultures'. I got enough McRibs and Toby Keith inspired one-liners for all you freedom hating pinkos. Even you, the Dutch...even you.

(side note: I was so dead set on making that Big Lebowski joke that I called my brother at an ungodly hour because I couldn't remember what John Goodman's character called the sabbath. It's that real. Did I mention I can't sleep? Enjoy your weekend.)

(sorry for the missssssssspell on 'Coen'...I can't remember how to spell misssssssspell either so I'm going to cover it up by using a lot of s'...i'm pathetic)

we the people (full speech)

2008-03-19T08:02:00.001-07:00

shut up and pay attention

on account of them dogs is hell don't they!

2008-03-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

Shit...I completely spaced on this, but my boys in red, in the most unlikely of situations (considering that they had gone 4 and 12 in conference prior to the tourney), took home the SEC title in men's NCAA b-ball this weekend, sealing a spot for them in some March Madness action.

I'm not going to lie to you, I often forget that UGA even has a basketball team usually. But regardless, go get em boys! I have to work thursday but if you don't, UGA takes on Xavier on Thursday somewhere in the neighborhood of noonish...Be sure to check it. And text me some scores or something damn.

you don't scare me Patrick Stewart...YOU HEAR ME?!

hip hop hump day

2008-03-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

not a lot going on today. Just sort of waiting out my last couple days of work and hiding behind my computer. so anyway, i've decided that today is officially hip hop hump day, where i show you some of my favorite videos that you probably slept on. Enjoy.

Ghostface ft. Jadakiss - Run
I really like this song though the only version I could dig up is the edited version. Which is kinda boring. Whatever.

G-Dep, Ghostface, Keith Murray, Craig Mack - Special Delivery
Don't worry, while P-Diddy did invent the remix (i think he invented the internet too but I'm not sure), he was gracious enough not to bore you to tears with a verse on this particular song. I know the beat is a little grating but G-Dep and Keith Murray's verses make this worth the atari-esque soundtrack. So good. Man it always blows my mind that G-Dep never really blew up. He's absolutely disgusting. I was sort of hoping to find the old video he did called "everyday" which is one of the better hip hop songs ever written yet impossible to find. Oh and also you can sort of ignore Craig Mack's verse. It's pretty laughable. Anyone who rhymes serious with serious reminds me why the art form of hip hop has degenerated into sexual food metaphors.

And finally, AZ - The Come Up. This has got to be one of my favorite videos/beats/verses of all times. AZ always delivers. AZ is another guy who never gets enough credit but has a rhyme style that's just mindbending. I think everyone's just mad that he didn't warn Nas he was about to get shot in Belly. Yeah I made a Belly reference.

Hoodrich yo...

art sucks: Nikolay Saveliev

2008-03-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

Patrick sent me this a minute ago. Really cool. I could explain it but this dudes explanation is much better...

Vinyl record sleeves with 2-sided insert featuring
faux-academic material on pop music and the state of the
record industry, seeded with promotional material for
indie radio stations. Sponsored by Brown Student Radio.
Snuck onto used& new record store shelves. 140 Copies Total.

That's what i said...Anyway, I'm not sure what most of that means but I really love the aesthetic of these...very minimal and super neato to utilize my vast arsenal of art jargon.

Check out more info at Nikolay Saveliev: Pop Matters

Thanks Patrick!

my summer vacation

2008-03-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have an absolute metric shit ton of photos backed up on my camera that I've been meaning to slap on here. So instead of splitting it up, I'll just get cathartic on that ass and present to you my smorgisbord of a weekend...hold on tight.

Friday I went and checked out my buddy Luke's group show up on Halsted. There were all sorts of creepy dewds there...like these fellers...

This is Andrew and his wife Val, and they are what I like to refer to as "ruling". For real, they're neat people. Andrew lets me get drunk at his house and make inappropriate jokes on a consistent basis. These guys are in an awesome collective called Great Middlewest. You should check them out...boost Andrew's Analytics ego a bit. If at all possible, fly to eastern europe and check the site out from there. He likes that shit.

This is Luke whose show we were there to see. No matter what you do, no matter how much you try, your hoodies will never....EVER...be as dope as Luke's. He's got that work. As a side note, all these photos are blurry because I've decided that If I can help it, i'm never going to use my camera's flash again. It makes everyone come out weird lookin. I'd rather have blurry then weird lookin...movin on.

Oleg! Coolest...Russian...Ever. Sucks he's moving back to Europe by way of London pretty soon. But he told me I could crash with him there, and even though he was drunk, I consider it a bulletproof offer. London's about to get way too real.

Val kept sniffing a bag of tea all night that looked suspiciously like some of that "fiya" as the rappers say. I'm not saying...I'm just sayin.

My horrible picture of Luke's painting of a yeti. I love this one, definitely in my top 3, right behind the Brittany Spears Turd and the "Fat Bitch Stole My Man!" paintings...both of which I was too drunk to remember to document.

Fuck that shit...

After party, hotel lobbies, remix something or other. Anyway, this is Jason marinating on some deep shit like rockets and space and stuff. Jason is a cool dewd even though he hates me and my constant elitist SEC bullshit. Go Dawgs!

Delicious Burritos...oh yeah and STOP KILLING PEOPLE. But burritos first. Baby steps.

My "asian" friend, as I like to call her, Joyce flew up to work on the zombie track Saturday. She was supposed to come in Friday but she missed her flight, got stuck in Atlanta tornados, and was propositioned by a man who offered to "hit it in the bathroom". Long story. Anyway, we went to check out some graff and roam the city. Get away from the mics for a bit.

word...

Zombie masks. I got that work. I'm letting em' go cheap people. Hit me up.

AMERICA!

Anti-Amuricahn pinko libs at the Art Institute. Every single one of these people hates our troops. You guys better hope Toby Keith doesn't hear about this.

Some Millenium Park "Bean" action. Joyce is a rad welder, and since I don't know anything about welding I took her to the bean because I figured, it was metal and welders dig that shit...
Even though I doubt there's any welding involved.

St. Patrick's Day is fucking lame man. Sorry. True. As much as I enjoy the general suffocating smell of vodka, vomit and axe body spray at 10 in the morning, ear splitting girl drunk girl squeals on every single corner, and drunken frat boy chest beating, I'd have to say that it wouldn't hurt my feelings if St. Patty's Day never happened again.

But green rivers are still pretty rad.

To everyone I was supposed to hang out with this weekend, sorry, between Joyce's adventures in sleeplessness trying to avoid airport perverts and my ensuing weekend cold there wasn't a lot of action going down.

I'm so close to the finish line at work...so close...

quarantine

2008-03-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much dead today. I think I caught a bug that was going around because I'm absolutely worthless. I was going to post some pictures of the horrific city wide frat party that is St. Patrick's Day but in my stupor forgot my camera cords so alas, you'll have to wait til tomorrow to see the green river. Apologies. Pray for me people. I'm dying.

friday dance party: white people do ya thing

2008-03-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

quick comparison in case you missed the last three seasons of Comic View.

white people...

black people...

Jesus, I feel proud of myself if I can navigate a set of stairs without any embarrassing mishaps. Which is increasingly rare these days. Soundtrack for that video is provided by Chicago's own, Dude N Em. Who I know nothing about but people seem to be talking about a lot lately.

I can't stop watching this video.

Beirut...you haunt my dreams good sirs. But then again I'm a massive emo shitbag.

So as you can tell this week has been slow to say the least. My days of pimping out the uniforms of the dregs of the sporting world are slowly coming to an end and thus I've been busy training the next future alcoholic to fill the massive shipping room void which will be left in my absence. But it's not goodbye, Terrell Owens jersey...it's just...you know...see you later. I don't even have the heart to tell the TJ Duckett jerseys I'm leaving...they're just...just so fragile. And they've been hurt before.

But most of all, I'll miss you top hat sporting magnet bird thingy in the shipping room. We've had some good times. Promise me you'll write...

Promise me...

But lucky for everyone out there some of my friends have come to the rescue, sending me grab bags of videos and cool websites to entertain you fickle bloodthirsty bastards. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME PEOPLE?! I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS DEMAND MORE. Whatever...here's some stuff

First up my bruddah feeds everyone's desperate need to see someone in the public eye get hurt pretty badly...

Damn...full 360. Nice. Ah...I feel better now.

And second up is my buddy Pete, who is a killer artist and designer, and has a smile similar to butterflies fucking on a bed of unicorn dreams. It's deep baby. Real deep. But unfortunately for all you lady folk out there, Pete got himself all hitch-afied to his long time lady friend Gloria last December so he is officially off the market. But seriously everyone go to his page and wish him all the best. Cheers. Good on ya. Oh and if you get a chance, be sure to get him really drunk sometime, it's pretty much the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. Left is method man. Wow.

Anyway, I mentioned Pete on my first blog but not on this one so without further ado, be SURE to check out Peetah in all his glorious bloggyness right here.

And I still want one of these awesome suspender shirts

OH man...you guys love it...don't lie

Anyway he sent me this cool photo journal of an alaskan whale hunt which at first I figured would be boring as shit but man...those guys are insane. If I wasn't so sick of snow, I'd be tempted to give it a go. Fisherman stuff always seems rad to me. I think I just like the rubber pants though. Please be warned though, unless you want to see the gruesome bloody anatomy of a gigantic fish in graphic detail I wouldn't check this out...but if you're one of those people then BOOM

Man...that shit is gruesome, eh senor bumpyface?

OLE!!!

Anyway, be sure to check out The Whale Hunt. First read the statement and then, to get to the cool part, be sure to click Begin the Whale Hunt, or just click Highlights if you want the condensed version. Very cool.

And finally friends...I present to you...

the death of this terrible terrible winter. Let the front stoop drinking begin.

Happy friday, hopefully i'll have more next week. Watch my feet!

St. Patty's day debauchery pictures coming soon...

google word fun

2008-03-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

It seems like I've been slacking off lately, and I'd be lying if I said that was entirely true. But in my defense there is NOTHING going on in the world. Trust me, I looked. Nothing. So when days like this happen, there's only one thing to do to keep sane in this boring...boring world. GOOGLE WORD FUN!

(in case no one knows what this is, this is where I think up really random, often offensive, words or phrases and try to see what comes up in Google image search. I'd tell you to try it at home but it's sort of my thing. Trademarked. You understand. But feel free to type these in yourself just in case you consider me a LIAR....jerk)

Shithammer

word...it was between this and a picture of George W. talking with the pope. Not that pope. The other one. The dead one. Long live the pope.

Puppy fucker

Total Cocksville

Biggest Douchebag Ever

I have to agree. Sorry dewd.

I swear I'll get back on the ball sooner or later. Don't you give up on me...you're all I have left.

technical whatevers

2008-03-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

our work server is being screwy today. Which means that I have to do real work. I'd just like it to be known that I'm not very happy about that...I miss your musk

more soon...

who needs a movie?

2008-03-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

this is just precious...

Nice Tie champ...man...if you hadn't completely lost your shit prior, I'm hoping the water dragon at the end really sent you over the edge. It did for me at least. Jesus Sweet McRib Value Meal Christ. Thanks Rob! The end.

intercontinental

2008-03-11T09:01:00.001-07:00

I am officially overseas baby...google analytics says I have two hits from France. Pretty sure it was my old friend over there...

I owe you Depardieu...hell we all do...we all owe you...

Thanks France! Happy to have you on board! In commemoration of this historic event I will officially stop calling them Freedom Fries now. You deserve it...

I will also attempt to stop photographing asian teenagers at restaurants...one step at a time though...

water balloons

2008-03-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

i don't normally do this, but occasionally the advertising world does something right...and we should commend them for it. I really really love this commercial...and I don't care who knows it. It makes me think of spring...dear sweet Jesus it's so close...and so far away (anddddd SCENE)

it's called an addiction people

2008-03-11T07:19:00.001-07:00

and I just can't quit you baby...alright, lets get the morning started off right with some videos some folks sent me over the last couple of days.

First up is a short yet hilarious clip sent to me by my buddy Andrew.

I've long held the belief that blind people are all gay so I can understand the freudian slip in this case. In their defense, it's not their fault, I mean they ARE blind. Right?! Am I right?! Phbbbbt...blind people. Whatevs. On a plus note, I can make jokes like this...because well...you know...blind...they'll never know. Unless they have a magic talking computer...shit...they make those now don't they...ahem...In that case I feel the need to point out that I'm not racist against blind people. Some of my best friends are blind people. I just don't want to live in the same neighborhood as them.

ahem. Alright so second up is this video my brother sent me. But first off, a little background... Now I know it's not fashionable in most indie circles, but I am an avid sports fan. Well more like a sports genius...nay sportsprodigySUPERgenius is more like it. Yeah. I like that. Anyway, my two years of recreation league baseball (I was on the all-star team one year...though I only played 2 innings...I did drink a shit ton of gatorade in the dugout though), and half season of junior soccer have bestowed upon me a kind of athletic omnipotence that grants me the authority to be better informed about what should and should not be done by coaches and players during any and all sporting events. It's a gift really. Like a mystical power bestowed upon me by some sort of lab experiment involving radiation or some shit that's gone terribly, terribly wrong.
For example, I can tell you exactly "how fucking stupid" a play was in excruciating detail after its execution has failed. And for the record I am fully aware of all the levels of how "retarded" a certain players actions are as well, i just choose to ask the players themselves if they understand "how fucking retarded that was"...it's like a drunken Socratic method sort of thing.
Also, my constant sarcastic taunting of opposing quarterbacks can crush the spirits of even the most capable of athletes into fine powder. Because deep down, they know that when I scream "real nice throw asshole, you're a real gunslinger aren't ya champ" that I'm not being honest. It wasn't a good throw.
And my, "man If that was me I would have..." skills are the thing of legend. Even though I'm far too out of shape to even keep up with the duties of waterboy on any given game day, I'm steadfast in my belief that if I were somehow magically transported back in time and into a certain play that not only would I have righted the wrongs done by a particular athlete's actions but that my superior knowledge of the game and drunken bravado would yield glorious results. I'm like a God really.

Which brings me to my second point, sports video games, the easiest way to get a group of young males to smash a TV in frustration and/or elation. Seriously, I can shoot at people for hours on end in a digital world with the calm, unblinking vigilance of a buddhist monk on a nyquil bender but put in a football game and I instantly lose it like an off-med schizo at a fast food drive thru. I've lost many a good controller to the Madden franchise. But that was years ago, before you had to have a bachelor's degree in microbusiness management to run a single season on novice mode on these new, uber-reality sports games. By the time I'm done balancing salary caps, ticket prices, signing free agents, determining concession costs, hiring defensive line coaches and reading scouting reports not only do I not have the energy to make it to halftime in one of these games, but I'm also pretty sure if given the helm of a fortune 500 business I could more or less triple their profits without breaking a sweat. Which is why I decided long ago that from here on in, I'm playing super contra and super contra only. Call me a dinosaur if you must, but I know when I'm beat. That is until I got this video from my brother for the newest in this genre of overly complicated sports games...NFL Crunch Time...I need it...bad...

Oh man. "ask the warden's wife if she wants to ride the ponysnake all the way to tunatown." Absolutely classic.

Well sorry I've been slacking off guys, it's just that I'm gay...wait gay? excuse me...Exhausted...I meant exhausted...I'm not gay...and I don't hate blind people...I just hate the way they 'are' if you know what I mean.

not feelin it...

2008-03-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

entertain yourselves for a couple days

beatbox kitchen

2008-03-07T13:21:00.001-08:00

Tracy sent this to me this afternoon. Shit is rad...so...fucking...good...THANKS TRACY! check it

Friday's Dancer - Dr. Smooth Fuckably

2008-03-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

Since we missed last week's 'Friday dancer of the week', I decided to give you a guys a real special treat...a rare glimpse at our newest addition to the H.U.G.O. family....

Ladies and gentlemen, the dancer of the week is none other than...Juliard trained/Night train Malt Liquor perfected....Dr. Smooth Fuckably M.D. - Romance columnist and board certified master of the Libyan whisper...also known affectionately as 'the trailer-park jackhammer'. Oh you've met then?

Since spring is right around the corner, Dr. Smooth Fuckably is here to assist the world with his expansive knowledge of everything from dating tips to all-natural homemade remedies for crabs. He's like Johnny Appleseed...if Johnny Appleseed were missing a testicle because of an escalator accident. And instead of apple seeds he was spreading roofies and sperm bank donations with a criminal disregard to his full alphabet of hepatitis afflictions. Hell, most of us haven't even heard of Hepatitis R. That's the one where you usually lose a toe. So without further ado, I present Dr. Smooth Fuckably's Sure-Fire Dating Tips. Enjoy.

THE FIRST DATE...

Nothing is more important than making a good first impression on that oft intimidating first date. Now first off, it should come as no surprise to anyone that one of the most important rules is to dress the part. Dressing in a classy fashion is essential to setting a mood and displaying to your date how important this occasion is to you. If possible try to avoid any shirt that has a reference to 'fat chicks' or one that glorifies your love of shooting animals and/or race cars. With that being said however, any shirt that incorporates the phrase "when the tailgate drops the bullshit stops" is encouraged. Because that's funny. And women like humor.

Second, try to make good eye contact. A well placed look can peak interest in your mate and gives her the impression that you are deep, sensitive, and caring. Thumbs up! This one can be a little tricky and is often used incorrectly by the novice to the romantic world. Now as a general rule, I usually like to try not to break eye contact (or blink if I can help it) with my date for at LEAST a solid 3 minutes, even if she has in that time period averted her gaze (practice at home with a stopwatch if need be). Oh and don't talk or make any sort of facial expressions for the duration...this lets her know you mean business. And if she should look away or avoid your stare during these crucial minutes be sure to cough loudly to subtly remind her that your burning, judgemental gaze has never left its mark. Women like commitment.

The next step I can't stress enough for importance. Lie. Lie a lot. Women love to lie. And they love liars. For example every woman when asked about her ideal mate will say 'someone with a sense of humor'. Complete and utter bullshit. If women really wanted to fuck funny people then rock stars would have much better jokes. Women love important men. Which is why you should always lie about what you do for a living. Here's a tip; Tell her you're a sports agent. This lets her know that you're sort of like an athlete, sort of like a lawyer, and that you're able to take full monetary advantage of talented minorities and still sleep at night. I like to carry a cell phone, cycle through the ring tones under the table, then once every 15 minutes or so have my cell phone go off and then proceed to go into a 5 minute rant about contracts, signing bonuses, scouting combines and on base percentages. If you don't know what any of that means, don't worry, neither does she. No woman actually likes sports. The ones that claim to are simply jealous of Erin Andrews and feel the need to prove to their guy friends that they're just as desirable as the ample breasted, sports fact spewing blondes stalking the frigid sidelines in the middle of a Green Bay winter hungry to find out what 'percentage' any player who will talk to them is currently giving.

Women love compliments, so don't be afraid to bombard her with them at every possible opportunity. Women are often very insecure about their physical appearance, remind her how hot she is while sizing her up ravenously with your gaze. Stare at her breasts for prolonged periods of time, it will let her know that you are aware of them and that you honor and appreciate them. And always be sure to finish every compliment with an affirmative "mmph" or "DAMN". They like that. If you're having trouble finding the words to adequately capture her grace, beauty, and rack then don't sweat it. Just do what I do. Quote rap songs. They're full of enticing and colorful ways to remind her how intriguing you find her physically. As a stand-by, before your date, be sure to listen to, and memorize Too Short's entire catalogue. For example, this line from the power ballad 2 bitches is a sure fire winner.

I said "bitch, what are ya smokin?
A big fat dick comin from East Oakland"
I stuck it in her mouth she started moanin
I said "hang up, get off my telephone, bitch"

that should do the trick. Women love music.

Here's a tip; When she talks to you, correct her grammar. Constantly. Women will find your attention to detail sexy. Even if your date is an impeccable linguist, constantly offer her alternate ways she could have worded her sentences. They love it.

Also, be sure to drink heavily during your date. You're funnier when you're drunk, everyone knows that. Try to challenge her to a shot drinking contest. Arousing a competitive spirit in your date heightens her adrenaline levels which is often directly translated to physical attraction. Seriously, don't hold back on this one. Go for the blackout. The more you stumble and slur over words pathetically the more it will trigger her nursing instinct. The more belligerent you become the more you will be transformed into a cute, wounded baby deer in her affectionate eyes. And that shit is cute. Women like cute.

Now the most nerve-racking part. Walking your date to the door. Do you make the move or don't you? A lot of dating 'experts' will tell you to watch for subtle signs in body language before attempting to move in for that first magical intimate moment. Bullshit. Go for it pussy. Attack it like a half-starved hyena in a maternity ward. Dive head first like Billy Dee Williams at the helm of the Millenium Falcon in Return of the Jedi (Which reminds me, make as many Star Wars references as possible during your date, women find it sexy). Now with this being said, the lead up to this wonderful and mystical moment can be just as important. A steak tastes better after a salad right? Give her a little appetizer. Ok so here's a tip, clear your throat noisily and suggestively the entire time you walk your date back to the door. Once there resume your unblinking stare and ever so slightly gyrate your hips in a deliberate clockwise motion while never breaking eye contact. Don't be afraid to make a few muffled grunts. These awaken a primal instinct in women that will surely translate into an open door invitation. If you've done everything right and your date does invite you inside, be sure to exclaim "JACKPOT!" as loudly as possible. Hell raise the roof a little. It reminds her how much you value her invitation and gives a special aura to the ensuing intimacy.

High five! Welcome to the butter zone cowboy. Oh and remember, should you be lucky enough to reach this stage, condoms are for sissies...if she wanted caution and safety she'd have fucked her part-gay jazzercise instructor, not a drunken, fake sports agent stud like you. Baggin it up is for sailors. I mean your dick isn't a head of lettuce at the supermarket right? Does she look healthy? Then she obviously doesn't have any diseases. And it's IMPOSSIBLE to get a girl pregnant the first time you have sex with her. It's science. So please, save the rubber for the cab tires that will be escorting you back home within the hour.

That's all for this week lovebirds. As always, this is Dr. Smooth Fuckably M.D. saying 'if you wanna ride...then ride the white horse."

Love is in the air....

i hate tennessee and i don't like pumpkins

2008-03-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

classic...

"I hate Neylan Stadium...it looks like a garbage truck worker convention."

seriously...you...you are my shining star sir.

someone in alabama has a drink coming to them.

art sucks - Brian Dettmer

2008-03-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

holy mother of shit...this sort of melts my brain.

This guy carves into books creating collages out of the pictures and words inside. One time, I cut up a Teen Vogue and glued all sorts of cute little words and spring break pictures on my book cover in High School Algebra so I know what's up.

Brian Dettmer: Book Autopsies

But for real my notebook was SO cute ya'll...

dudes you wish were your dad

2008-03-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'll sort of be the first to admit that I...I'm kinda glad he's not my dad actually. Thanks Andrew!

i hate music - Track 8 Theory

2008-03-06T08:33:00.001-08:00

shit, don't forget to check out my man James and his amazing beatery as well while you're navigating the series of tubes that are the interweb. The new Cat Rap Remix is ill. ILL I TELL YOU!

Check checka check it out...

Track 8 Theory

the end.

i hate music - quiette

2008-03-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

i'm currently working on a collabo 2008 what up remix screwed up vocals crunk mix project with quiette at the moment for a zombie themed track that's going to melt everyone's face off...

In the meantime though be sure to check out her myspace so you can jam out to her stuff, it's all pretty amazing. Though I wish there were more references to pouring champagne on women. Might just be me...anyway be sure to check

Quiette

And stay tuned for: Never Sleep - The Quiette Klone Tapes...disgusting

art sucks: Mike Marks a.k.a. Dr. Gobbles

2008-03-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

long story...anyway, if you're anywhere within a three state radius, go see this show!

MARCH 7TH 7-10 PM
CAE GALLERY 590 MULBERRY STREET IN MACON
ZERO AMERICAN MONEY

And be sure to be like "OMG, YOUR WORK IS SO GREAT MARKS! I LIKE HOW YOU DID THAT ONE THING ABOUT THE GUY AND YOU HAD THE PAINT AND IT WAS SO PRETTY!" Because he's very sensitive. And gentle. And warm. He's the type of guy that calls the next day. Am I right ladies?

But on the for real tip, go to see this show, Marks is the man and always puts out stellar work. The show is a collaboration with Bill Fisher who is also a mindblowing artist. Trust me when I tell you you won't be disappointed. And if you can't make it, i've been told that I get exclusive photo blog coverageness of it so you can check out all the shit here. plug. cough. For those of you who don't know Mike Marks, he was one half of the viking death metal duo responsible for millions of rocked off cocks across Clarke County...Thunderserpent...
(that's him on the left next to that gay dude)

Don't mention that to him though...he gets weird about it.

random fact

2008-03-05T14:45:00.001-08:00

according to google analytics nobody reads my blog in Indiana or Tennessee...and I'm totally ok with that...

work distractions...will kiser is your new bicycle

2008-03-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

a lot of people think Barack Obama is your new bicycle. Not me though. I don't feel that way. I even bought this t-shirt to prove it...

no sir...my new bicycle...is a man they call Will Kiser...and here's why he should be yours

Will Kiser is Your New Bicycle

p.s. - I'm willing to make you a Barack Obama is Not My Bicycle shirt too for pretty cheap...They won't be full color though. Because I'm lazy. Buy them quick before someone who works for Urban Outfitters comes across my blog, steals the idea and then doesn't pay me for it. And trust me they will.

work distractions; things for sale by David Horivitz

2008-03-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

This is one of the coolest things ever to me for some reason. Here's a list of all sorts of things you can buy from this guy in New York for various sums of cash...for example

If you give me $20 I will go to Coney Island in New York with an envelope and fill it with sand and mail it to you from there. It's not star sand, but it's still Coney Island.

If you give me $4,444 I will go to the Island of St Helena. I will take a photograph of the sky and mail it to you from there. Nothing else.

Can't explain why but if I had that kind of money I'd purchase one of these in a heartbeat...I'm actually thinking of buying a sky picture once I can figure out how to fix my paypal account...anyway check out more cool stuff you can buy at

Things For Sale That I Will Mail To You...

I have dubbed thee, 'Herschell Walker OnAccountOfThemDogsisHellDon'tThey!'

2008-03-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

I've never been so proud to be a Dawg fan in my life...now if you'll excuse me I need to dust the framed pictures of Jesus, Vince Dooley, David Pollack and Mark Richt between the deer heads/trucker hat racks on the mantle...you know, them pictures right next to the Dale Earnhardt commemorative collector's plates? All 28 of em baby...full set. Cost me half my workman's comp payout and a steal at twice the damn price. They can take the farm now, but they aint never gettin them plates...

Go Dawgs!!!!!!

i hate music - of montreal vs. axe riverboy

2008-03-03T09:15:00.001-08:00

Man, i meant to put this video up weeks ago. But I'm real dumb. Anyway, this was sent to me by Joyceness. Nice Zombies cover. Check it!

seriously...

2008-03-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm gone for two days and this is the type of shit that happens...

That's the Mimster on the left who is the best person to ever hear curse on the planet. When she says "it's so FUCKING COLD" it's worth a million paragraphs of my bitching. It's just so damn real. And that's Anetta the Polish on the right who is completely oblivious to the fact that she's sporting the jersey of the National Football League's answer to Cypress Hill's Black Sunday. In her defense she does know who Joe Montana is, she just doesn't know what he does. Anyway these are the people I waste my potential with on a daily basis at the graveyard of sports memories that is Margolin Inc. And I have no doubt that this was all Mimi's idea.

the highest of O's...a journey into the last great bastion of whiteness

2008-03-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

Ohio, also known as the buckeye state, is...well...it's not Indiana. And that should really be enough to be quite honest. Indiana is what would happen if Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska was a state. While the sweet allure of dead barren ice fields, antique malls, corn silos, and the overall aura of scratch off lottery tickets and bullet riddled Old Milwaukee cans is nice in a Merle Haggard, salt pork and cold coffee sort of way, I think if I had to spend more than a week there i'd strangle myself to death with a noose made of old flannel shirts. Seriously...fuckin' Indiana man...

seven hours of pure bliss courtesy of Megabus. And remember guys, the extended tour of Gary Indiana by the bus driver who's too cheap to pay the tolls on the interstate comes free. True story, the bus pulled up smoking like a Waco house party and when the lady next to me asked the morbidly obese bus driver about the suffocating clouds of smoke his response "I guess they elected a pope or somethin." Which I thought was pretty witty for a guy who drives through Indiana for a living...moving on

This is Diva Danny, who's wonderful house and insane cats I had the pleasure of staying at and with for the last four days. She does some really rad work about rivers and veins and stuff. Personally the only art I like are those cool paintings at the mall where you can cross your eyes and see a 3D rocket ship or a dinosaur or something. That shit is poetry. But her stuff is perty darn good as well. Oh and these drawings are MASSIVE. Check this 6 foot plus sucker

I can't even finish a crossword without taking a nap.

Jeff was dead set on finding youtube videos of people making explosions with Mentos and Diet Coke because I don't have cable so I can't see cool shit like that on Mythbusters. It was pretty epic.

What I love about art students is they are just so creative...When I look at this I see a painful morning and a possible knife scar...

Carrie on the other hand sees food. Oh and the picture is blurry because of the picture previous. Anyway, best vodka cream pasta EVER...right comrade?

HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's never over...EVER.

cool painting, where'd ya get it brah?

When I got home there was a nice package of mix cd's from my bruddah. The Viking Ninja Shit mix has been rocking my face consistently for the last 10 hours. He also threw in this nice activity sheet

I went ahead and finished it...

my roommate is really happy I'm home...he knows what he did...

and finally here's a random close up shot of a new painting

>

Oh and apologies for not taking more pictures, hanging around Danielle you are forced into so many group pictures on a daily basis that you forget all about taking pictures of your own. I'm sure she has better shots than these but whatever. So thanks Ohio for the memories, and thanks giant sweaty fat dude who totally snaked my window seat while I was smoking a cigarette in Indianapolis. 3 hours of 1/3 ass cheek seating in a ragingly hot bus was just what I needed after an extended weekend of ridiculous drinking and being woken up at random hours of the night by cats who have no understanding of what whiskey does to a human being. Samooch.

i hate music: Speak the hungarian rapper

2008-02-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Yo check out this ill joint about war. And how he doesn't want it. The war I mean. He doesn't want the war anymore. The thing is that sometimes people start a war and they really don't know what it's fo...oh wait business that's right. The point being they should stop said war. No one wants this war so therefore the war should theoretically be stopped. War of course referring to the current war that's happening at the moment. Yeah. That war. You know the one. Anyway he really hopes that particular war will stop. And the business too. That should stop. War.

OH SHIT DID YOU JUST SEE HIM THROW THAT DOVE! WHERE WAS HE HIDING THAT DOVE! HE'S LIKE THE BALD WIZARD VERSION OF MICHAEL MOORE! HE'S LIKE THE BASTARD EASTERN EUROPEAN OFFSPRING OF JOHN LENNON AND DAVID BLANE! YEA COME ON! Oh man....that man-harmony sends chills down my spine every time. OH WHAT UP I RAPPED! RESPECT! fuck I hate this war....

the saddest comic strip ever

2008-02-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

My brother sent me this a minute ago...I seriou...I...I don't know...just look at it...Garfield comics minus Garfield

I can't explain it...but it makes me feel good

Check out the rest at
Garfield Minus Garfield

Or don't....whatever

i love white people

2008-02-26T06:44:00.000-08:00

White people and black people....we're different. Am I right? Am I right about this guys? I mean we are. We're just different. It's true. A black person will be all like "what's up!" right? But man white people...a white dude will be all like "I like Tori Amos! I like Frisbee Golf!" Right?!! IT'S TRUE! Oh and I know you've seen this...A white man...A white man will buy some candy or some shit right... AND THEN HE'LL PAY FOR IT WITH A CHECK! A CHECK! FOR SOME SKITTLES! FOR REAL?! THEY'LL DO IT! Oh man...And white people...white people ya'll...white people will set up a society based on a power structure that centralizes wealth and power among an elite group that dictate economic class structures and create a social atmosphere hindering the advancement of other races and making it impossible for them to attain any position of legitimate authority...Snap! Right guys? THEY DO THAT SHIT! Oh man. Oh AND they made Aids! Heyoooooo! Am I right?!

Ahem...

So if you ever wanted a list of every thing that makes whiteness what it is, well someone just sent me one. So without further ado I present a comprehensive whiteness list that successfully and painstakingly documents and effectively pigeonholes everyone who is white into easily accessible "Holey Moley! They're so right about that! I do like those things! I'm so stupid! Well culturally speaking...." whiteness categories. I am of course no exception...observe

#73 Gentrification

In general, white people love situations where they can’t lose. While this does account for the majority of their situations, perhaps the safest bet a white person can make is to buy a house in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
White people like to live in these neighborhoods because they get credibility and respect from other white people for living in a more “authentic” neighborhood where they are exposed to “true culture” every day. So whenever their friends mention their home in the suburbs or richer urban area, these people can say “oh, it’s so boring out there, so fake. In our neighborhood, things are just more real.” This superiority is important as white people jockey for position in their circle of friends.
They are like a modern day Lewis and Clark, except instead of searching for the ocean, they are searching for old properties to renovate.
In a few years, if more white people start moving in, these initial trailblazers will sell their property for triple what they paid and move into an ultramodern home.
Credibility or money, they can’t lose!
When one of these white people tell you where they live, you should say “whoa, it’s pretty rough down there. I don’t think I could live there.” This will make them feel even better about their credibility and status as neighborhood pioneers.

It's funny...because it's true....sigh

ANYWAY! Be sure to check out...

Stuff White People Like
And after that you can check out
The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

I tell ya, not a day goes by that I don't thank my non-white Jesus that I'm Samoan.

dudes you wish were your dad

2008-02-25T14:39:00.001-08:00

YES! That picture never gets old...

art sucks: Mike Rea

2008-02-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

now that...that's one big ass hand made wooden exo-suit. World's best title as well, A prosthetic suit for Stephen Hawkins w/ Japanese Steel.

Check out the interview with this Chicago based bad-ass over at Fecal Face

Mike Rea Interview

chinatown

2008-02-25T14:03:00.001-08:00

is rad...here are some pictures from my excursion into the far east (of Chicago).

shredded pork chop with mystery death sauce...are you a bad enough dude?

cuz I am...and before you ask it tasted just like it looked...fucking fantastic

chinese vegan cuisine...that more than likely contained a large amount of chicken broth according to Patrick...he scarfed it down anyway because he's a trooper.....and a LIAR!

whatever that shit is, one thing's for certain...she LOVES it! THUMBS UP!

existential chinese peanuts

These photos may not seem like much of a photographic challenge but then again you've probably never been in a chinese super market...those motherfuckers are RUTHLESS and they will run you over and trample you if you stop moving for more than three seconds. Believe it. Anyway, enjoy.

i hate music: Colleen

2008-02-25T10:09:00.000-08:00

Just got this album

Colleen - Everyone Alive Wants Answers

Really chill noise beats...i'm really digging it for some reason...maybe because i'm so highhhhhhhhhh man.

This isn't her most stellar song but it's a cool video none-the-less.

Thanks for the ups Patrick

I LOVE SCIENCE!

2008-02-25T07:49:00.000-08:00

There's a bunch of people that say that the children are our future. Those people have a retarded sense of optimism that never ceases to amaze me. If you ever wondered why we haven't found a cure for cancer or developed time travel then look no further skippy....because these people are the future scientists of our great civilization....

Mel Gibson, Billy Dee Williams, and PBR = SCIENCE!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YES!!!!! YOU WIN MOTHERFUCKER! YOU WIN AT LIFE AND EVERYTHING REMOTELY RELATED TO IT. JUICY BEANSSSSS!!!!!! HIGH FIVE IT BUDDY! UP TOP! YES! whew...seriously...personal favorite, couldn't tell you why.

Pussy magnet...

no comment necessary

Anyway check out these hilarious science experiments at
41 hilarious science fair experiments

And if these experiments frighten your delicate religious sensibilities you need not worry, there's a science fair for you as well.

Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair 2001!!!!

Sorry, no pictures available here but I'll just go ahead and run off some of the winners for you...

Middle School Level

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"

Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Hell to the YEAH! God created Adam and Eve not Creative Service Director Adam and Human Resources Manager Eve! It makes perfect sense if you think about it. I mean if women are so "good" at "working" then why do I want to see their breasts so much? BOOM! Cold Hard Science bitches! Kudos Jonathan, couldn't agree more. Sorry ladies, but this is science. Rockets and biology and chemicals and shit. You can't fight with that.

High School Level

1st Place: "Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria"

Eileen Hyde and Lynda Morgan (grades 10 & 11) did a project showing how the power of prayer can unlock the latent genes in bacteria, allowing them to microevolve antibiotic resistance. Escherichia coli bacteria cultured in agar filled petri dishes were subjected to the antibiotics tetracycline and chlorotetracycline. The bacteria cultures were divided into two groups, one group (A) received prayer while the other (B) didn't. The prayer was as follows: "Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen." The process was repeated for five generations, with the prayer being given at the start of each generation. In the end, Group A was significantly more resistant than Group B to both antibiotics.

Can't say I agree with all them big words, but the point here is that prayer works. And modern medicine is BULLSHIT!!!!!!!! Oh Snap!!!!! BOOOOOOOYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Where's your Grey's Anatomy now Dr. Joseph McHatesjesus M.D.?!

Check out all this year's big winners here
Objective Ministries

also yes...I'm aware that the Christian Science Fair is from 2001 but the word of God is timeless.

Friday send off

2008-02-22T12:40:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately the only way I can post this song is to attach it to some gay ass homemade anime video some 12 year old probably made with Imovie. I'm not sure if Andrew WK is a huge anime fan but there's a good 6 million videos putting his music to random anime movies. Blegh. Do me a favor and just crank the tune and minimize the window. HAPPY FRIDAY FUCKERS!

the working dead

2008-02-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

FRIDAYYYYYY DANCEEEEEEEEEEE PARTYYYYYYYYYY! Here I begin my new tradition, the Friday Dancer of the Week. And without further ado here's the dancer of the week, NAY century! The world is yours Kandi...you just gotta reach out and take it...

That's right sweet angel, step-daddy can't tell you what to do annnnnymore. You're a butterfly now.
On a side note...remember, that while dancing provocatively in public in revealing costumes seems like a good idea especially when the roofies some slick haired silk shirt fake tan dude named Marco slipped in your appletini start kickin' in...photographs, much like herpes and siphilis, are forever.

Anyway, in no particular order here is what's going on in my world.

Winter is DEAD. I'm calling it. No more 9 degree highs from here on out baby...it....is.....OVER. It only goes up from here people. And my extensive collection of 'electric serpent slide front' man-thongs couldn't be happier.

Forecast is mostly sunny with a sixty percent chance of teabag...
Now usually I don't give away my fashion tips...a magician's gotta keep a couple tricks tucked away in his minimal coverage front contour cock pouch. But I'm feeling pretty generous today, so I'll let you in on how you can be a stone cold grape smuggling bronze adonis like me...Check out all the summer fashions at New Urban Male. You're welcome.

I really need to find some more pictures of my face so I don't have to keep recycling that particular shot. I don't think any other picture would have sufficiently filled the void in the above photograph but I'm just sayin.

Anyway, not much else is going on really. I have begun slowly giving up on life and opting instead to live vicariously through a guy I work with who seems to have the most awesome stories ever. For example today I was treated to tales of drinking Crystal til 3 in the morning with the group One Republic who you may know from the hit "Apologize"...which I like to call "PAHlogize" because that's more what it sounds like. Anyway, their album went gold this week so since he knows a couple of the guys personally they invited him to partake in the case of crystal the record company shipped over...which he did, downing 200 dollar glasses of alcohol and dancing with strange and exotic polish women. I on the other hand....I watched a re-run of Family Guy, watched part of 30 days of Night on the internet, ate a bag of tostitos and worked on some paintings. Hope you didn't just pop a blood vessel analyzing how many cool points I racked up for that one. Most days I think I should just remove my cock and donate it to someone who could rock with it properly out.

Next week I'm disappearing from the city for a bit and heading down to Ohio. I've been in need of a break and i've also somehow strained a tendon in my foot from being on my feet all day at work so hopefully staying off of it and chilling out for a bit will ease my war wounds. While foot injuries are no fun, especially when they're a result of such an anti-badass reason like "I'm on my feet a lot in the shipping room at work" it does allow me the slight awesomeness of walking around like Kevin Spacey in the Usual suspects most of the day.

Point being, I'll be gone most of next week. I'm sure all 13 of you...yeah I have google analytics...will be devastated. Regardless. It's friday. Enjoy yourself. Commit some misdemeanors. Break some bottles, pee on something hilarious and give em' hell. I'll see you guys next week.

Missle vs. Satellite

2008-02-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

draw.

video danceparty

2008-02-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

since i'm sort of on a roll today posting videos I'll just go ahead and get the rest out of my system...

here's a video my brother sent me, The Thermals - Pillar of Salt

and here's a video my friend stef sent me, BYU Vocal Point - Thriller

mormons are fucking weird...

and here's a video I found...i like the video a lot but i'm not really sold on the song, Naive New Beaters - Live Good

anyway, i swear i'll find something not video related at some point...just not anytime soon

i got a gold chain...i'm on cocaine

2008-02-21T09:39:00.001-08:00

"I shine like morrisey on hennessy on christmas eve
no more like morris day on hella yey dressin' gay"

Classic. I know a lot of people think white boy joke rap is dead...Well you can fuck off...here's Dirt Nasty and Mickey Avalon...might be the best hip hop i've heard in months

i hate music - crystal castles

2008-02-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

watching this video almost makes me want to ingest a cocktail consisting of a dangerous mix of hallucinogenics, methamphetamines and brandy, ride around in the backseat of a cadillac with grape velour seats with a couple of strippers named things like Harmony and Kiwi and acquire a tribal tattoo on one of my extremities...almost...

These guys are playing next weekend...there's a good chance I won't remember any of it.

the hood

2008-02-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

real gangstas ride the pink

EL-P, Dizzee Rascal, and other reasons to unplug that toaster next to your bathtub

2008-02-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Years of substance abuse and cynicism have numbed me to the point that there aren't a lot of things that make me happy about the world anymore...but I got an email that makes me feel better about everything...

EL-P, DIZZEE RASCAL, BUSDRIVER
Abbey Pub, 5/15, 18+
on sale noon Saturday (2/23)

if that didn't boner you up then we're just on two different stations sailor....

I am pure sex

2008-02-21T06:51:00.000-08:00

I forced Patrick to document this so I could share it with everyone. I know it would surprise no one if I were to say that hygiene is not what I'd consider one of my strong points but even with that being said it's a rare and magical occasion that my hair reaches such epic levels of massive. Like a lunar eclipse, or pandas fucking. A lot like those things actually. Anyway this is all natural, 100% organic, no chemicals necessary, i should be ashamed of myself man-fro....pay attention

So I have some new paintings I was going to post up here for you but apparently taking a focused picture has proven to be a task that is beyond me...I am a failure at life. I'll have some better shots for you tomorrow.

Jay-Hole...my cousin=funny guy

2008-02-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

Here's a video of my cousin. Laugh you son of a bitch...

my cousin's a cool dude...he makes myspace pages for his pets...not a lot of people have that sort of commitment...and even less people appreciate it...
Paco Medvendenko

Never stop chasing that dream Paco....never stop chasing that impossible dream...

Oh and just know that when I find you Julliana Forlono that I'm not afraid of jail anymore. We're takin back what belongs to us.

The New Pornographers...Myriad Harbour

2008-02-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

I'll save jokes for later on in the day, I'm still about 3 cigarettes and 4 or 5 cups of coffee low at the moment. For all I know this is all just a dream...and by that I mean the world man...the world is a dream...holy shit did I just blow your mind? I think I did...

Anyway, start off your day with this awesome animated video from the New Pornographers.

shit people should buy me

2008-02-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

I got this in the same email as the last thing...very awesome...though I can't imagine it would be comfortable...Cassette tape wallets

You can pick up your own custom cassette wallet for only 39 bucks at

Cassette Wallets

SOLID gold baby...

work distractions: barack obama is your new bicycle

2008-02-19T14:23:00.001-08:00

Got this in an email today. It's amazing how long you can entertain yourself with this...Check it...

Barack Obama is your New Bicycle

Oh and everyone in Wisconsin...if Hillary wins your primary I will come up there myself and give you a scolding you won't soon forget...

work distractions: MK12's History of America

2008-02-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

I don't have much of an explanation for this thing because I don't think it would do much good...just know that this shit is AWESOME. Now close your eyes and imagine a fully digital movie about an epic battle between cowboys and astronauts...and an old dude getting drunk on cough syrup...and a guy in a cactus suit...oh yeah and Las Vegas...it's what Waking Life should have been people. Amazing. Be sure to check out the streaming video at....

MK12's History of America pt. 4

you're welcome...

art sucks: Left of Boom!

2008-02-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

I promised I would keep up the heat on this show so don't forget...

Left of Boom!
March 7th, 7 to 10, at the CAE Gallery in Macon at 590 Mulberry St.
Collaborative works of Mike Marks and Bill Fisher

If you're in the area, DO NOT MISS THIS! Seriously...Mike is...well he's fucking crazy...Not in like a haha sense...in a live wire stab you with a coat hanger and pull your teeth out with a claw hammer for his 'personal collection' sort of way...He seriously scares the shit out of me. Anyway, be sure to check this thing out. Its got art. And probably beer. At the very least you can hang out with Bill Fisher, who's twice the bad-ass you'll ever be. He's like a young, not-dead, Steve McQueen. Point being go to the damn show... I think that it's a fundraiser for McCain or something. Not sure.

art sucks: evan hecox

2008-02-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

Evan Hecox is the shit. Period. He's the type of dude that could make out with your girlfriend and you'd try to kick his ass but end up buying him beers by the end of the night. I'm running out of metaphors but yeah. He's that real. Check it.

well played Hecox...very clean...

Check out his site: www.evanhecox.com

and if you have some bank burning your pockets, you can buy one of his prints here. Most of it is sold out but there's a couple on there still running in the 400 dollar a pop range. If I had the money I'd get one yesterday.

i hate music: beirut

2008-02-19T07:56:00.001-08:00

I've decided that If I were ever to jump from a building the last song I would want to hear on the way down would be "Guyamas Sonora" by Beirut

This album has grown on me to an obsessive degree. I really love it. Can't recommend it enough.

Also, If I were to die because of a terrible bowel movement accident, I'd want the last song I hear to be "Who Let the Dogs Out" by Baja Men.

the united states postal service...and how to get stuff through it...

2008-02-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

Yo. So I told everyone a long time ago that if anyone felt like mailing me any particular sum of money that I would in turn send them a sweet grab bag of worthlessness including sketches, stickers, photographs, weird things that I find, and just general useless items. Well someone actually took me up on it. Congratulations Joyce. Thank you for the five dollars american money. For your fiscal daring you will receive this mindblowing collection of chicagoey skullduggery.

You love it....Anyway, don't feel left out, send me your spare money, or hell just send me some random things you have lying around. In return you'll get a one of a kind grab bag filled with whatever I can slam in there. Everyone loves to get mail, especially me...it's a win win here. Anyway send basically anything that isn't contagious or illegal to
1847 W. 21st St.
Chicago, IL 60608.
but make it small. Our mailbox is pretty pathetic. And also note that I have the attention span of a coked up squirrel and a 60 year old coal miner's drinking habits so it may take a little time. It'll totally be worth it though.

(note: before these people email me angrily, there are two other packages that I am in the process of building for two people who sent me random awesome things in the mail. I did not forget you so don't freak out. You know who you are.)

i hate music

2008-02-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

I just need to say it...best album ever

With Legacy of Brutality running a close second...

Keep the Sabbath...i'll take the Danzig

DANCE MOTHERFUCKER

dudes you wish were your dad

2008-02-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

shit people should buy me

2008-02-18T08:59:00.000-08:00

basically anything off of this page...

A couple months back this motorcycle dude came into the Skylark where I usually go to get all dizzy and talk stupid and what not with one of these awesome stickers on his helmet. Since then I've looked in vain to find where one could acquire this awesome shit. And now.....I've found it. Lebowski Fest is exactly what it sounds like, a festival that celebrates all things Lebowski. Bowling, movie-screenings and costume contests. Pretty awesome. You can check out the full website here

Or if you're just into the merchandise you can pick up crazy shit such as...

and

and let's not forget

You can get all this cool shit here

I'm picking up a couple abide shirts for my brother and I. You should do the same.

Fun Gun...a photo show...I think

2008-02-18T08:42:00.002-08:00

So yeah, I mentioned earlier I was going to go to the opening of this photo show at the Satin Satan gallery this weekend. Well someone forgot to mention that the gallery is actually some dude's spare bedroom in his apartment. An apartment that has absolutely no signs indicating that indeed they are having a function that the public is welcome to. After standing in front of this apartment/house debating for an hour whether or not we had read the address wrong on the card, we went to a bar where a nice bar tender lady looked it up on her blackberry and found that we were right all along. Anyway here' s a couple flicks from the show. I don't know any of the photographers names so...you know...whatever. Still some rockin' shit.

I don't know why but this was by far my favorite photo. Something about batman pillow cases takes me right back to childhood, which, unlike the other things that remind me of childhood, is a good thing.

again, I have a weird thing about taking photos at art shows so most of these photos were shot hastily while the 'curator' went back to the kitchen to cook a hamburger in his microwave. Anyway, the show was totally awesome and the fact that it was in some guys spare bedroom absolutely threw the cool scale into unimaginable levels. Here's some random photos from the trek back to the neighborhood.

Weird.

Chef Efrain...underground dinners...and a lesson in class

2008-02-18T08:03:00.001-08:00

A good rule of thumb when being invited to a fancy dinner party in the city is to always mind the finer points of proper social etiquette. As you can see, when dining with 40 somethings one should always bring a decent wine. One that will satisfy the most diverse of palettes...

I find that a nice forty ounce of Old Style in a black bag usually does the trick. Much like Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt it screams too all present "I'm formal...but I'm also here to party". Presenting it boldly on the table also displays proudly to all potential mates, "I think Denny's is a suitable destination for a first date" while enticing them with the "I'm not above making out with you in the ladies restroom" mystique that women find impossible to resist. High Life never hurt nobody neither.

Dinner is served ladies....dinner...is served.

So the point here is that I was invited to a fancy dinner party in Pilsen this weekend by my roommate on possibly the strangest evening I've spent in the city so far...just stay tuned for the rest. For example, our dinner guest? Try the King of the Cowboys, Urban, who rocked some pretty fantastic Haggard covers between courses.

So this was one of a series of underground dinners put on by Chef Efrain, whose site you can check out here. Chef Efrain is a for real dude. He single handedly runs these amazing dinners among other projects such as 'cook the vote' political discussion dinners and 'ghetto cuisine' where he teaches culinary classes to South Side high schools. Seats at these particular affairs usually run 30 bucks a pop...but I know people...and by that I mean my roommate does a lot of websites for people who give him shit. And my dignity will not prevent me from dry humping other's achievements for all they're worth. This occasion marks the second time I've used my roommate to score fantastic free food in the city. If there's one thing I can do superbly it's ride coattails. Anyway, the food was absolutely fantastic. I would have liked to show you some pictures of it but I was too busy slamming it into my face and grunting my satisfaction to all that would listen. I'm pretty sure the main course was Pegasus over a bed of flaked potatoes. Simply magical. Thanks Chef, that's the only real food I've had in 2 months.

Sorry most of the pictures are absolutely terrible...for some reason I have no problem showing up to a fancy dinner party in a misfits shirt and drinking dirt beer out of wine glasses but I won't use the flash on my camera. Just seems rude in such environments Strange world.

Here's a random photo from the walk home. Somewhere between Patrick drunkenly smashing a fresh 40 ounce of old style on the sidewalk and climbing on newspaper machines things like this seem to be much funnier than they would in sober-town.

seriously though...don't fuck with that house.

I fuckin hate mondays

2008-02-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

topical humor....i'm capable

the working dead

2008-02-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun little tid-bit someone sent me today. It's an interactive map of all the active gangs in Chicago. I'll just go ahead and warn you though, every time I've tried to use the thing it lags at "bash your keyboard against your face" levels...but then again our work computers are relics. Anyway it's still pretty interesting and worth a couple minutes so give it a gander here

Now when you're looking at this you'll notice a really colorful area right beneath the 290 expressway. I like to call that rainbow home. I live in the Harrison Park area (19th and Damen) and according to this map I live in 'Almighty Bishops' territory although lately there's been a large amount of Oakley St. Insane Gangsta Satan's Disciples (not making this up) tags popping up around the neighborhood so I don't know how accurate this thing is. They also failed to mention my street family, the Mad Nasty Money Pirates.

ARR MOTHERFUCKER! Throw your sea-foam green flags in the air and be sure to drink plenty of vitamin C in order to prevent the devastating effects of scurvy COUSIN! OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh me. We have fun. But seriously gangs are no laughing matter. Mainly because they have guns.

If you're interested at all, check out Chicagogangs.org

Dudes you wish were your dad

2008-02-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

I'd hit it.

shit people should buy me

2008-02-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

a ticket to this shit...I imagine I'd have to drop a rent check on a nosebleed for this thing which I can't really do these days...I'm sure it's going to be awesome though

Speaking of Lupe, not sure if you guys heard about his war of words with Chicago rapper Rhymefest over...wait for it....here it comes....just...about....there....Barack Obama's stance on possible military action in Iran and Lupe's assumption that Obama would perpetuate the failed foreign policies of the Bush administration. Oh SNAP! That fool doesn't know his OPEC from his Kyoto Protocols son! You know it kinda sucks that when rappers do this sort of thing people don't really give a shit but if Lupe had put out a record talking about how he (and a famous basketball player) fucked Rhymefest's girlfriend, downplayed his entire career and discography and made a bunch of gun references (only to later pop up on his album (cough) Black Republicans (cough cough) featuring Jay-Z) it would have it's own 24 hour news channel dedicated to it. Anyway, it was a very interesting debate and you can check out the finer points here.

And go buy Lupe's new album...solid GOLD. I don't know much about Rhymefest besides the killer track he had on the Getting Up soundtrack, but from that alone I'd say he's worth a listen.

Oh and here are the tour dates for the Glow in the Dark Tour

written word killa

2008-02-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

Here's a video sent to me by my buddy Marks. I never saw the original Tom Cruise interview so i'm not really sure what they're making fun of but then again Tom Cruise is "all cats are robot nazis sent to steal my phone number" crazy anyway so I guess you don't really need a frame of reference. Check it.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug

Art Sucks 101: Flying Fortress

2008-02-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

Check out these awesome prints from resident bad-ass Flying Fortress..

signed and limited editions and what not. Which means that owning one makes you better than your friends. Remind your friends of that. Anyway, you can pick up some sweet FF prints at Rockaway Art

And Check out Flying Fortress' Site here

Art Sucks 101: Bryan Derballa / Suckapants (corrections)

2008-02-15T06:48:00.000-08:00

Well this is sort of a correction I guess. So yeah, yesterday I gave you guys a link to the Fecal Face NYC photo blog that I like under the bogus assumption that it was just one guy. Total and complete wrongsville. Because low and behold it's more than one guy. I know what you're thinking and yes...it's EXACTLY like the magician with the secret twin brother in that movie The Prestige. Except with less Bowie, and more Tesla coils.

Also let me just apologize beforehand because I know blogspot doesn't really do photographs like these justice, I have to resize everything to where it's almost not worth posting them at all. A person who knew shit about computers would use some Jedi Flash Html Ctrl Alt Awesome on this sort of thing and make it work better but I still can't figure out how to turn that paper clip motherfucker off half the time. Anyway, apologies. I'll read a book on it....maybe...

ANYWAY, first up is Bryan Derballa who took both those rad photographs that I posted yesterday and many more. Including this one.

Check out all his shit at his site WWW.LOVEBRYAN.COM Very nice. I'm sort of confused because I don't think Bryan is going to be showing any work at the show this Saturday at Satin Satan which sucks but oh well hopefully I'll catch his work somewhere. I'm still going to the show though because let's be honest...Where else am I going to go?

And then there's this dood, Suckapants who WILL be in the show this saturday who also does some fantastic shit, one of which I featured way back in the day from anyone who read my other blog...

Anyway, be sure to check out his site WWW.SUCKAPANTS.COM

And again, this guy will be showing work with a lot of other people this Saturday at Satin Satan gallery...here's the flier again.

Anyway, sorry for the mix up guys, if either of you guys are ever in the Chi for an extended period of time, there's a good chance I'll try to borrow money from you. DON'T DO IT...i'm like a dog, you feed me once and I'll just follow you around for the rest of your life. But seriously, holla at Pilsen if you're in the area...I'll be the awkward white guy. Can't miss me.

Valentine's Day Send-Off

2008-02-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a happy valentine's day....and I hope that wasn't your Ford Escape I pissed on a little while ago. And if it was....guess you know how real it is now....too real motherfucker...too real...

Dudes you wish were your dad

2008-02-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

Cool level: run over yo FUCKIN' MIND MANNNNNN!

Play on playa. Peace...one love...

Art Sucks 101: Mike Marks and Bill Fisher

2008-02-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

If you're in the Macon area on March 7th be sure to check out this show at the CAE from these two fellers. From what I understand it's a whole bunch of hippie pinko liberal bullshit about how they want to abort every baby in America because they can't afford Hummers. Hey windflower, maybe you didn't get the memo about the colors and their inability to run. Because they don't...

No but seriously, both these dudes are pretty rad artists and can eat their own weight in Barberitos burritos. From what I hear they're putting together some pretty interesting collabos as well. If I was in the area I would most definitely be there....and more than likely I'd drink a LOT and be really loud and obnoxious....and then the next day my girlfriend would be pissy with me. Hypothetically. But anyway, I'm not. So I'll just do that at home. Sans-girlfriend. Unless you count web-porn subscriptions...which i do.

And I've been told I get the exclusive on pics of the opening so if you miss it you can catch all the action here in high definition bloggery. HARPOOOOOOON!

Dudes you wish were your dad

2008-02-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you Jesus...thank you for all your glorious gifts

shit people should buy me

2008-02-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

I love this thing...

They're handmade and built to order. Check em' out here

Art Sucks 101: Dennis Hayes

2008-02-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

I have a slight obsession with birds. And not just the delicious ones. Anyway check out this rad Detroit Based artist, Dennis Hayes...

He's doing a show at the DVA Gallery this Saturday...not that anyone in this area reads this. Anyway check out Dennis Hayes here

Sucks I'll miss the show because on the same night my favorite photographer dood is doing a show on the other side of town...

Know I've given him props in the past but be sure to check out his NYC photo blog, it updates pretty regularly. Always interesting shit. It's right over HERE

So good. I am just SO into art ya'll.

Valentine's Day Fuck-a-thon

2008-02-14T07:07:00.000-08:00

Women and men are different....Am I right? Am I right on this one? They do things DIFFERENTLY! You know what I'm talkin about. Men are all like 'baseball, sports i like sports i have a dick' and women are all like "I like shopping". Right?! THEY REALLY LIKE SHOPPING! And men DON'T! Am I right fellas. Huh? And men you know, we don't ask for directions. Right ladies? WE WON'T DO IT! We're all like "I know where I'm going, I'm very stubborn and I like football and beer, Super Bowl Home Depot!" Ladies here know what I'm talkin' about. It's true! And women, women are all like 'let's talk about our feelings'....right guys? FEELINGS? WE'RE GUYS!!! They always want to talk about their 'feelings'. But we're guys you know, we're all like, 'I think fart noises are funny, ford mustang, handguns!" Right?! I mean women and men are just different. We are! I really believe that. And here's the thing...here's the thing I HATE about a lot of women....all the guys here know what I'm talking about...alright so when you buy a woman's company for the evening and you and her are drinking butterschotch schnapps behind a Staples or some shit in your chevy silverado cause you know us guys like TRUCKS! Right guys? Trucks! We're guys, we like to drive trucks!...anyway anyway...so you're drinking with this hooker and trading bumps of meth off a kitchen knife for a half an hour or so, you know, just chillin, listening to NPR and sobbing uncontrollably, and anyway it gets time for business...UHHHH OHHHHHHHH YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!!! RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT GUYS!... anyway it's time for you and Faith or Desirae or Lexus or whatever her name is to get 'intimate' right? And it turns out she has a PENIS! HEYOOOO!!!! AM I RIGHT?! Not cool! I was expecting a vagina! Right fellas? So anyway you end up having sex with it anyway and then all your friends call you gay! GAY??? HOW CAN I BE GAY, SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE A WOMAN THAN A MAN. AM I RIGHT?! I MEAN IT WAS A 3 TO 1 WOMAN TO MAN RATIO! THE PERCENTAGES DON'T LIE! YOU KNOW WHAT, NO...NO SHUT UP, YOU SHUT UP YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GAY! YOU GUYS ARE GAY FOR SAYING THAT SHIT! HOW ABOUT THAT?! GAYS! YOU GUYS ARE ALL GAYS, I AM NOT A GAY! I DON'T LIKE THAT STUFF! YOU GUYS PROBABLY LIKE THAT STUFF BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY! I'M NOT GAY!...not that there's anything wrong with homosexuals...........................................................................................................
OH and don't even get me STARTED on jews. RIGHT?! They LOVE money! THEY LOVE IT!!!!

Happy Valentines Day you fucks with your optimism and your dreams

(i'm always a couple months behind internet fads so I'll just pretend like I've never seen this before...HOLY SHIT IS THAT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE? DICKS?! FUNNY!!!!! YAYYYYY!!!)

the working dead

2008-02-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

I'm dying. I am DYING man..seriously...I've scoured every single news site and art fag blog I know of, while pretending to do research on NBA teams whenever my supervisor came in, and you know what? Nothing. There is NOTHING going on in the entire world today. So instead, to entertain myself, I've been typing in random words in google image search and seeing what kind of ridiculous shit I can find. Here's what you get if you type in 'overdose'...

Seriously, the shit was so adorable that my cock grew dove-wings, flew off my body, fucked the most glorious cloud ever, exploded into prismatic dust and rained back upon the earth causing sunflowers made of children's laughter to sprout every place it landed. I just...I can't handle it.

Similarly, this comes up if you type in 'Cock Wizard'....

YES! A MILLION FUCKING TIMES YES! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me...EVER!

Oh yeah and no one gives a shit about Roger Clemens. No one.

Anyway...

I got these weirdo soon-to-be-posters-in-a-frat-dude's-room pictures from ruskie wonder-boy photographer Alexandre Duret-Lutz in an email today so I sort of feel obligated to share them with you....

Yeah they're impressive I guess...well at least if you're into that whole 'I know how to use photoshop correctly' sort of thing. PPPPHHhhhhhbbbbbbtttt....boring...tell you what, here's a free lesson on me you little show-off, fuckhammer.

SKABLAM! Did I just blow your mind comrade? THAT'S MY FACE...ON...SOMEONE...ELSE'S....BODY! That's photoshop 101 homie. I GOT THAT WORK! I seriousl..I CAN'T STOP! WELCOME TO AMERICA NABOKOV! Don't forget to pick up a couple McRibs on the way back to BURN-ville; population your FACE! YOUR FACE!

But seriously...dude's got some pretty good stuff....Check out his other pictures hyuh

And for everyone out there who thinks I harbor some sort of burning racist grudge against the Russian Federation and their fine population of Bourne Identity villain look-a-likes you can fuck right off because I am not racist. One of my best friends is a Ruskie. Right Comrade?

Yeah I know...it's too real...

written word killa

2008-02-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Just got this absolute gem from my brother...GET OUT YOUR FUCKIN' CHECKBOOK!

we fear change...

2008-02-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

Now I know this new stunning sex-web-cam-bot free location might be a little big and scary for everyone, and there's a good chance i'm probably going to lose 20 of my 23 readers on laziness alone. So I'm going to try to do what I do best and lube up this transition for some sweet, instantly regrettable, torn diary page, back-seat astro van blog-reading intercourse....

SEE!!!! It's just like Myspace now! There now isn't that better? Hush now Kitten...we're gonna get through this together...
I'm going to start running the format a little differently which means that instead of doing the blog in one run like I used to have to do with Myspace, now I can post in increments which means fun things 24 hours a day. Or more like 5 hours a day really. That might even be a little generous... Anyway, enjoy.

Obama's Potomac Posse

2008-02-12T14:01:00.000-08:00

According to CNN.com, Hillary's campaign is...well I don't have a good metaphor but...um...it's not...well it's not doing well...I drink...point being, according to reports, Hillary just took out a 5 million dollar loan to keep her campaign afloat while Barack's bank account is on McCartney levels.

'While the New York senator recently took out a $5 million loan to support her candidacy, money continues to pour into his campaign coffers with surprising ease.'- CNN.com
(rest of article)

You hear that?! Obama's GOT that work son! She's DONE. It's OVAH! Your shit is Schiavo baby...pull the PLU...ahem...that...that probably was a bit much. Anyway, the point of all of this is that Obama is a certified, cold-blooded, primary killin GANGSTA. I mean this is almost sick. CNN has him projected as winning all three of the Potomac primaries today which makes it 7 in a row and finally puts him ahead in the delegate race. He's a bad, bad man. Also check out the above freshness from Obey's Shepard Fairey...as far as I'm concerned that's the only endorsement I needed to see.

also on a side note; congrats to Shepard on the birth of his new daughter Madeline Fairey!...not that I know him or anything or that he cares about my congrats...and to be completely honest babies sort of freak me out on principle....whatever...Welcome to the world slugger, and congratulations on the rad genetics!

Anyway, Look out McCain...Obama's on the WARPATH SON! And your jiggly vagina-neck is next.

forty rounds...forty kills

2008-02-12T13:14:00.000-08:00

new home...new name...same old cop-killin bullllllllllshit

it's alive.....